The Maple Grove Police briefly investigated a noise complaint—someone reported “strange rhythmic buzzing” from Mrs. Doe’s garden shed. She explained she was “testing the durability of the trowel on some stubborn dandelions.” Case closed.
Upon opening the package, Mrs. Doe was not met with orthopedic relief. Instead, she found an array of shimmering, silicone products in colors that do not exist in nature. The collection included “The Titan’s Scepter” (retail $89.99), “The Whistling Gopher” (batteries included), and what appeared to be a glow-in-the-dark garden trowel.
When reached for comment, the corporate office of The Dildo Depot issued a tepid statement: “We are sorry for Mrs. Doe’s inconvenience. As a courtesy, we have emailed her a 15% off coupon for her next order.”
Mrs. Doe’s response? She is reportedly framing the coupon next to her late husband’s Purple Heart. Mrs Doe And The Dildo Depot
Josh explained that he had ordered the items for a bachelorette party gag but had entered the wrong house number. He begged for mercy. Mrs. Doe, a woman who once made a Boy Scout cry for returning a book late, did not flinch.
The device, which she refuses to name, vibrated off her coffee table, knocked over a framed photo of Senator Rafferty, and came to rest buzzing menacingly against the tail of her sleeping tabby, Mr. Snuggles. The cat, now in therapy, has not been the same since.
“Honestly, good for her,” said neighbor Patricia Meacham, 66. “She’s handled this with more class than I would have. I’d have opened a pop-up shop.” The Maple Grove Police briefly investigated a noise
It began, as these things often do, with a misplaced package and a pair of very strong reading glasses.
It all went wrong when a delivery driver mistakenly dropped off a large, unmarked cardboard box at Mrs. Doe’s Tudor-style bungalow. The label read: “Doe — 742 Sycamore.” The return address? The Dildo Depot — Discretion Guaranteed.
“I thought it was my new lumbar pillow,” Mrs. Doe told this reporter, clutching her teacup with white-knuckled dignity. “The box was heavy, which I took as a sign of high-quality foam.” Upon opening the package, Mrs
And with that, she closed the door—just as a faint, low hum began emanating from her garden shed.
Reactions were mixed. Gertrude Pillington, 72, called it “a stain on the neighborhood’s legacy.” But others quietly rallied to Mrs. Doe’s side.
“I’ve survived shingles, two tax audits, and a possum in the crawlspace,” she said. “This is just another Tuesday in Maple Grove. But if anyone asks, the trowel is for weeding .”
The story, of course, leaked. A Ring doorbell camera captured the exchange, and within hours, the Maple Grove Moms Facebook group was on fire.